Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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