Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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