obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
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