someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
