I got her a Nickelback box set.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
