her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
