One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
