if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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