I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
