i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Randomize
