we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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