Apparently you make a good broom.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
