i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I need to calm my uterus...
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
