I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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