i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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