Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
