She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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