Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
