I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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