how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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