that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
