R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
