Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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