my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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