i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
