Who wears a wallet chain?!
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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