she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
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I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
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But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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