Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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