Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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