I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Why is there bacon in the couch?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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