Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
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Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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