Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
