I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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