last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
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I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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