Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
