i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
