He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
