Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
