this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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