i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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