Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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