Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
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Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize