Jerry, you need to find god
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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