I think i peed on brittanys purse
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
