the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize