Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
sarcasm needs its own font
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
