So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
