i love accidental penises.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
