So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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