What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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