i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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