Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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