Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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