Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
