my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
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This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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