How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
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