Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
