My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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