I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
