Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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