morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
