I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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