It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Randomize
